


Not what we Expected

by SolarisRasa



Series: Sol's Malec Whumptober 2020 [7]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Death, Grief, M/M, Self-Hatred, Whumptober 2020, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 08:22:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26968939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SolarisRasa/pseuds/SolarisRasa
Summary: No 8. WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO?“Don’t Say Goodbye” | Abandoned | IsolationAlec loses Magnus in the fall in a moment of oversight in the midst of a week filled with battles. Magnus, for his part, feels a bit cheated.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Sol's Malec Whumptober 2020 [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1953454
Comments: 4
Kudos: 57
Collections: Favorite Malec Stories





	Not what we Expected

**Author's Note:**

> Okay well, welcome to the SAD train

Magnus, at the end of it all, feels a strange sense of betrayal.

He was supposed to hold Alexander, either as a cold corpse or a warm, fading man. He wasn’t supposed to be the one leaving Alec behind. He could still remember, six years before, the two of them watching the stars and Alexander asking him a question that fate had just made obsolete.

“Do you think,” Alec had licked his lips, tried again, “Which d’you think is worse?”

Magnus hadn’t known what he was talking about at first, the sweetness of wine on their lips and the crisp fall air had wrapped him in a blanket protected from the hard truths of the world, of their relationship. Alexander had no such protection that evening, his sharp mind refusing to let him alone as it so often did and he’d clarified quickly.

“To know that, barring something terrible, you will live on and on, long enough that you will find many others to love, or at least to share your bed awhile, or to know that no matter how well you love someone you will, inevitably, leave them to the mercy of time alone?”

Magnus had turned to him then, had been unsurprised at the gathering of tears that shone in his eyes but did not fall. He had whispered to Alexander of how a part of him would always be with Magnus, and not just a memento in a box, how even time would never wear away the love Magnus felt, but he had not answered the question.

“Magnus? Damnit stay with me.”

Oh. The memory was causing him to drift, he didn’t want to do that. He couldn’t feel most of his body, the coldness and the dark was waiting for him. It could wait a little longer, he wanted to spend this last moment fully aware of the burning warmth of Alexander at his side, his angel with his determination. Even now, his jaw, dark with the last few days stubble since they had been run ragged, was hard set. Magnus mourned for a moment, that Alexander’s sturdy shoulders and great heart were not enough to hold death at bay.

“Alexander. Thank you.”

Alec shook his head, hands pressing into Magnus’ side where he was loosely aware he was pouring red life onto the ground.

“Don’t. Magnus don’t you fucking dare. Don’t say goodbye!”

“I’m not, I’m trying to tell you how,” Magnus fought the cold, he had things to say, “how grateful I am to have lived long enough to meet you. How I cherish you and your love. I never meant for you to suffer this Alec, I’m sorry. I would have loved you until the end of all suns, I would have carried you in my heart forever.”

“No. Magnus, not-” Alexander bent over him, like he was the one wounded, “You’re supposed to be joking about this and promising me a round of something filthy after Cat comes to set you to rights.”

“Cat’s not going to make it.” Magnus offered him a little smile and summoned some of his usual attitude, for Alexander’s sake, “You’ll have to shame her for it, she’s always bemoaned my time keeping, it’s only fair she get-” He coughed, “gets a turn.”

He thought the end of the words was muddled, but it was hard to tell, everything was slipping very far away and he knew, if he looked away from Alexander he’d never find his face again.

“Magnus?”

He wanted to answer, he did, but there was no strength for it.

-

“Your sister tells me you’ve withdrawn from everyone who dares to express concern for you.”

Alec didn’t turn to answer Raphael, he was studying the monitor for demon alerts. New York's numbers had never been lower. In patrol leathers and with more weapons on his person than he probably needed, Alec wished a rift would open and give him a way out of this moment.

“My sister should stop talking about me.”

“Are you hoping they’ll forget that you’re a flesh and blood being and let you work yourself to death, like you’re trying to do?”

Alec closed his eyes, the grief that never did more than eb threatening to make high tide inside him. Raphael was not who he wanted to be giving him this lecture.

“Why have you come, Santiago? You don’t owe me anything, you certainly don’t need to try and piece me back together.”

Raphael sighed behind him and Alec wondered, briefly, if he had changed out of his cassock before coming.

“Even if it was true that I owed you nothing, I still owe Magnus a debt.”

Alec spun on him, careful control breaking as he strained toward Raphael who was in jeans and a t-shirt, and spat, “He’s not here. He  _ left  _ us.”

“Are you angry at him?” Raphael’s voice was even, but Alec had known him long enough to see the surprise. He didn’t answer, just brushed past Raphael. If there were know demons to fight, he’d find Jace and put him through his paces.

“Isolating yourself from everyone who cares about you won’t bring him back.”

Alec froze, rigid, “What?”

He knew his words were clipped, teeth like blades behind his stone lips.

“I don’t know if you’re angry with him because you both were so sure it was your life that would cut your time together short and instead you feel he abandoned you, or if you’re choosing to be angry because the other option for you is guilt.”

“It wasn’t my fault.”

Raphael hummed, stepping around him, his eyebrows quirked, “I know you’re a better liar than that. You’re repeating the line everyone’s told you, but do you believe it?”

The ops center was blessedly empty so there was no one to see Alec’s expression crack open to reveal the bleeding soul beneath before he gathered himself back together.

Raphael didn’t let up, “You were leading that night, you asked him to join you because you had barely seen each other with the spike in demonic activity and the Clave demands on you both.” 

Alec shuddered, “Stop.”

Raphael ignored him, “He was supposed to be at home, in bed, and instead he was at your side, he was close enough for you to touch and you failed to protect him, you didn’t even notice when he fell, you were focused on Jace-”

“Stop!” Alec raised his fist, drawing a “try me” look from Raphael. His arm dropped and with it the fight bled out of him, the anger. He was just a man again.

“Yes. I let my  _ husband _ die under my command, I-” Alec ran his hand through his hair, he was shaking, “It’s been months and I can feel him bleeding out under my hands. Raphael, I was holding his guts in with my bare hands. I dream that I’m pulling them out instead. Sometimes I can  _ smell  _ him, sandalwood and magic and I find myself looking for him.”

Raphael’s expression had gone fragile, something softer and more broken than Alec had ever seen from him before.

“We loved him. We still love him. You have to find a way to make peace with what happened Alec. He chose to be at your side, he knew the risks of joining you and he went anyway. It’s not your fault anymore than it was his, what happened that night.”

Alec nodded, just once.

“Stop pushing everyone away.”

Alec shook his head slowly, “I don’t have anything to give them. Everything worth anything went with him.”

Raphael considered him for a long moment, “You’re abandoning them, then?”

“I’m freeing them, I’m absolving them of responsibility for the scraps that are left of me. I’m absolving you too Raphael, find another way to pay your debt. Not that there’s anyone to collect.”

Alec shoved past him and out into the air of a fading summer.


End file.
